"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs.Squiffy. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. A fool and his money are soon partying. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it! If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.... Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you. Don't be sexist; broads hate that! Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. Beware of geeks bearing gifts. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The Dog Death Test A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day." The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead." "Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?" The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage. "Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead." "I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?" "$230." "$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?" "Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM 1.Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2.Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3.Okay, speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ 4.Problem Severity: •Minor__ •Minor__ •Minor__ •Trivial__ 5.Nature of the problem: •Locked Up__ •Frozen__ •Hung__ •Shot__ 6.Is your computer plugged in? •Yes__ •No__ 7.Is it turned on? •Yes__ •No__ 8.Have you tried to fix it yourself? •Yes__ •No__ 9.Have you made it worse? •Yes__ 10.Have you read the manual? •Yes__ •No__ 11.Are you sure you've read the manual? •Yes__ •No__ 12.Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? •No__ 13.Do you think you understood it? •Yes__ •No__ 14.If `Yes' then, why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________ 15.What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________ 16.If `nothing' explain why you were logged in. __________________________________________ 17.Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? •Yes__ •No__ 18.How does this problem make you feel? __________________________________________ 19.Tell me about your childhood. __________________________________________ 20.Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? •Yes__ •No__ 21.Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? •Yes__
A FAST TALKER.... There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, just a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. "Because there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there." the boy replied. "Hey! My wife is from Canada!" announced the offended manager. The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"
HONEST?... Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
OLD EMPIRE STATE BUILDING JOKE... This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30... 40...50 ...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".