(This is from a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children) 1. There is no such thing as childproofing your home 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and then run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape... 5. ... it is, however, strong enough to spread paint on all 4 walls of a 20x20 ft. room 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings 7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. 8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way 10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it's already too late. 12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke--lots of it. 13. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies. 14. A magnifying glass can start a fire, even on a overcast day. 15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak, it explodes. 16. A king sized waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house almost 4 inches deep. 17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old. 18. Duplos will not. 19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sequence. 20. Super Glue is forever. 21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 22. So can Tarzan 23. No matter how much Jello you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water. 24. Pool filters dont like Jello 25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though the TV commercials show they do. 26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 27. Marbles in the gas tank make lots of noise when driving. 28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is. 29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 30. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 31. The typical fire department has at least a 5-minute response time. 32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy... 33. ...it will, however, make cats dizzy. 34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 35. A good sence of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect.)
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army men were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes hands of those near him and gets 'high five's'.
The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
The waitress was offended. "Mr. President," she said, "Considering all that your wife went through last year with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly poor taste." She stomped away to cry.
Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
The Differences Between Men and Women: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. So you're a man, I'm a woman, this must be a sign from God that we were meant to meet and become friends, get married and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter- ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the Woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping. . .