9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see what ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden", Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I'm sure I can do better than that!"
... his red sons in the sail set.
(By Bennett Cerf)
"Beggars can't be cruisers."
"The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn."
"Shared skit less."
"Walt's in my tilde."
"You can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
(By Bennett Cerf)
"Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call 'Teds, or Hales'!"
"Schine on Harvest Moon."
"Hiss and hearse"
"Corrupted the murals of a miner."
After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you right now," the policeman replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons!"
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite
know how to ask about the "toilet" facilities. She just couldn't bring
herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation,
she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". So, she
started all over again and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the
"Does the campground have its own B.C."? she ended up writing.
Well, the court manager, Herman, wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "B.C." really had him stumped.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers,
but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, he finally came to
the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the
Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the following reply:
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but now take pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit, it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite?
Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one or oneteen?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians should be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If a disgruntled postal worker is unhappy, is a happy postal worker gruntled?