God is like Coke... He's the real thing. God is like Pan Am... He makes the going great. God is like General Electric... He lights your path. God is like Bayer Asprin...He works wonders. God is like Hallmark Cards... He cared enough to send the very best. God is like Tide... He gets the stains out that others leave behind. God is like VO5 Hair Spray... He holds through all kinds of weather. God is like Dial Soap... Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish everybody did? God is like Sears... He has everything God is like Alka-Seltzer... Try Him, you'll like Him. God is like Scotch Tape... You can't seen Him but you know He's there.
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to
a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school
play were supposed to have been posted today, he asked
his son if he gottn a part. Matt enthusiastically announced
that he had, in fact, gotten one.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son, congratulations! Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out that they'd had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that... before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually met to plot their mischief. After catching his breath he wispered urgently, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking out a coke, putting it in her pocket, throwing more quarters in, taking out a coke, putting it in her pocket, throwing quarters in, taking out a coke, putting it in her pocket. After a while she has a coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy behind her asks her, "What ARE you doing?!" She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."
Q: How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied? A: Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them. Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window? A: Refueling. Q: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? A: They're too hard to retrain. Q: What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle in the typewriter. Q: What's the definition of eternity? A: Four blondes at a Four-way stop. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? A: An air pocket. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I'll die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the blonde fell over dead. Needless to say, everyone was quite startled- no one could figure out what had happened. Finally, someone reached down and picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying: "...breathe in- breathe out, breathe in- breathe out..."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"
Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? A: They drowned in spring training. Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A: "Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!" Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.