The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when hisgirl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
SOME CHURCH HUMOR: Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Shucks, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' " A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7". I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?" After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
CHURCH BULLETINS HUMOR: Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Evening massage - 6 p.m. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding" On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
CHILDREN SPEAK TO GOD Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. Elliot Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. Margret Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Allison Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah, "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. Eddie Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha Dear GOD, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. Bruce Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha! Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Donna Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. Charles