A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
"Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!"
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins vs. Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated:
"I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird."
The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the
southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe.
"Why aren't you out fishing?" said the industrialist.
"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.
"Why don't you catch some more?"
"What would I do with them?"
"You could earn more money," was the industrialist's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats... maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."
"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.
"Then you could really enjoy life."
"What do you think I am doing right now?"
1. You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire. 2. I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business. 3. Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone wire near your head? 4. I have an emergency here. The hamster has fallen in the cat dish and knows only the backstroke. I don't know how much longer he can stay afloat. 5. I'm sorry, but this household has been assigned to goons from the Idaho Mafia for telephone ripoffs. If they catch anybody working their territory, they will do strange and painful things to him with a potato. 6. Did you know that there is no "e" on the end of the words "potato" and "Mafia"? 7. I'm too tired to talk to you any longer. I'm exhausted from replacing the last gross of lifetime light bulbs you sold me. 8. When I tell the Idaho Mafia about this call, you're going to last about as long as one of your light bulbs. 9. If I drive the 150 miles to hear your time-share condominium pitch, will you give me a tire pump to inflate my free six-man sport fishing boat? Or can I just use your mouth? 10. If your mother doesn't stop chasing cars she's going to get hurt. 11. I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this particular century. 12. How do I know you truly are a handicapped veteran of the Spanish American War? 13. I will remind you that this is a Wednesday and the laws of this state are very strict about that. 14. I'm sorry but I fell off the ladder this morning while doing my daily changing of your lifetime light bulbs and I am in too much pain to talk. 15. The State Tax Commission does require me to ask you for your official identification number as a Certified Public Fast Talker. 16. Have you ever heard of telephone fungus? 17. The ordinances of this city preclude my deviating from the premises of preordained driffle. 18. It is a felony is some states to make telephone calls without knowing the meaning of the word "driffle." 19. Does Ross Perot know you are making this call? 20. You'll have to excuse me now. I seem to have dropped my bowling ball on Uncle Chester. 21. The dinner hour is not set aside for sales, unless you have prior permission from the State Department of Suckers. 22. Have you ever thought of trying your luck at selling door to door in Beirut? 23. God bless you for calling me away from the dinner table. We're having liver and okra. 24. By all means, I want your light bulbs. Send me 500 cases. My psychiatrist, my parole officer and my bankruptcy lawyer don't really mind if I buy some. 25. No, I don't want any light bulbs, but could I interest you in a set of fluorescent tubes? 26. Would you like to meet my sister, who doesn't get real angry any more? 27. Are you from Seattle like the other slugs? 28. God told me not to buy anything over the phone. 29. I'm sorry but the management will not permit us to use this telephone for any calls except from human beings. 30. Do you like beets? 31. Would you be interested in buying a drowned hamster for dinner? 32. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording.