YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN..... * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. * Cocaine is a downer. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. * Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You're up to four heart attacks a day. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London. * You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. * You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination! * You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!
"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"
"I think you are lying!"
"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."
"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"
"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
"Indeed, Father, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that.
"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock. "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth.
"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship..."
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50"... figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well?.... What IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Later that nite, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something ?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
This country is so full of opportunities! I mean where else can a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child?
Josh had live a long, faithful life, and was now in the hospital hooked up to a respiratory machine, very near to death. The family called their long-time pastor to stand with them. The pastor arrived just in time, for as he stood next to the bed, Josh's condition deteriorated quickly as he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor swiftly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Josh used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he said, "You know, Josh handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Josh, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration here for us all." He opened the note, and lovingly read, "You're standing on my oxygen tub..."
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling.
Her brother says... "Now she knows."
Some MORE Blonde Jokes: Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing nutrasweet? She thought it was diet coke. What do you call a blonde in the snow? A snow flake. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown? Artificially intelligent. How can you tell when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? The M & M shells all over the floor. How many blondes does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? 100 ... 1 to stir ... and 99 to peel the M & M's. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She kept throwing out the W's. What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter. What's the difference between a smart blonde and the abominable snowman? There have been sightings of the snowman. How do you know when a blonde has been using her computer? There is Liquid Paper on the monitor. Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? So she could see what was on the other side. How does a man get a blonde to marry him? Tell her she's pregnant. What do you call eight blondes in a row? A wind tunnel. Why was the blonde so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only two months? The box said three to ten years. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't find an eleven on the phone dial. What does a blonde say when she finds out she is pregnant? "Boy, I hope it's mine!" What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. Why don't you let blondes take coffee breaks? Because it takes too long to retrain them.