I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Pea-nuts'!"
So many stupid people... so few comets. All generalizations are false. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS. No radio - Already stolen. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A man without a women is like a neck without a pain. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. I souport publik edekashun. Caution: I drive like you do. My kid beat up your honor student! So many cats, so few recipes.
Lawyer Humor: * A lawyer is a man who helps you get what's coming to him. * A lawyer is someone who prevents somebody else from getting your money. * I've got a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and in less than a minute tell you whether it's oral or written. * Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. * You've heard about the man who got the bill from his lawyer which said, "For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you... twelve dollars."