Jokes! Jokes! and More Jokes!

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      Dear Special Interest Person(s),
      Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.
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      1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

   *   __ President
   *   __ Vice-President
   *   __ Senator
   *   __ Congressman
   *   __ Governor
   *   __ Cabinet Secretary  - Commerce
   *   __ Other Elected Official (please specify) _________________ 
   *   __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________________


2. How did you hear about your Government Official (TM)?
      (Please check all that apply)

   *   __ TV ad
   *   __ Magazine/newspaper ad
   *   __ Shared jail cell with
   *   __ Former partner of
   *   __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
   *   __ Procured for
   *   __ Related to
   *   __ Recommended by lobbyist
   *   __ Recommended by organized crime figure
   *   __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories-
          on the Internet
   *   __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories- 
          elsewhere
   *   __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
   *   __ Solicited bribe from me
   *   __ Attempted to seduce me


3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM)?
      (Please check all that apply)

   *   __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
   *   __ Have my prejudices turned into law
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   *   __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious
   infidels
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   *   __ Forestall military action against self/allies
   *   __ Instigate   military action against internal
enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
   *   __  Impede criminal/civil investigation of
self/associates/spouse
   *   __ Obtain pardon for  self/associates/spouse
   *   __ Inflict punitive legislation on class
enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
   *   __ Inflict punitive regulation on business
competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs


4. What factors influenced your purchase?
      (Please check all that apply)

   *   __ Performance of currently owned model
   *   __ Reputation
   *   __ Price
   *   __ Appearance
   *   __ Party affiliation
   *   __ Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
   *   __ Actual beliefs of Government Official (TM)
   *   __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
   *   __ Blackmail
   *   __ Celebrity endorsement


5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official (TM)? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
models.

   *   __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
   *   __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
   *   __ Defect in current model:
   *   __ Dead
   *   __ Senile
   *   __ Indicted
   *   __ Convicted
   *   __ Resigned in disgrace
   *   __ Switched parties/beliefs
   *   __ Outbribed by competing interest

      Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.
      Q: Why did the airhead put her head out the car window?
      A: To refuel.
      THE REALITY OF LIFE:
      God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'
      The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
      Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigiliance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years. And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
      God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
      Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.' And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.
      And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren."
      Counting Ribs:
      Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. Case in point:
      When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
      "You're running around with other women," she charged.
      "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
      The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
      "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
      "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
      Signs to Make You Smile:
      SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A TRAVEL AGENCY:
      "Please go away."
      SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A HEALTH FOOD STORE:
      "Closed due to illness."
      SIGN IN THE WAITING ROOM OF A VETERINARIAN:
      "Be back in five minutes. Sit. Stay."
      SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #1:
      "If you'll just state your business and go away quietly, no one will get hurt."
      SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #2:
      "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
      Live Life To It's Fullest!
      A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
      The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
      "No," he replied, "I've never done either."
      "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
      "No, I've never done any of those things either."
      "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
      What If?
      There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.
      One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
      After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
      The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
      He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
      She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that- it's in the Bible."
      He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
      The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
      "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
      "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
      A Close Shave:
      A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
      "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
      The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
      "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

      Gotcha, Boss!
      One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.
      Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
      So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
      For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
      Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully." To which the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."