A member of the Democratic party, recently deceased, approached the Pearly Gates. After exchanging pleasantries with St. Peter, he is led into the receiving area and handed a clock which is not running. Confused, and noticing the countless other clocks on the walls, the man asked St. Peter what they meant.
"There is one clock for each living person, and they represent the amount of time each person has left to live on earth. Since you're obviously here now, yours has stopped."
"Well, why is it that some clocks are running faster than others?"
St. Peter explained, "When someone tells a lie, the hands will move faster, thus shortening the lifespan of that person."
Curious, the deceased asked where Bill Clinton's clock was located.
"Oh," St. Peter said, "I keep that one in my office -- it makes a great ceiling fan!"
Windows 2000 Error Messages: The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN" 9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 16. User Error: Replace user. 17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to
where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured
man and says, in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
A place where women curl up and dye.
Someone who is fed up with people.
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
A female moth.
An insect that makes you like flies better.
Grape with a sunburn.
Something you tell to one person at a time.
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
The pain that drives you to extraction.
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
An honest opinion openly expressed.
Something other people have. You have character lines.
PAYING BY THE HOUR:
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking
pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite
beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely
friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time!?"
Client: "Do you think justice will prevail?"
Lawyer: "It's possible, but if so, we can always appeal!"
Go to jail healthy, go directly to jail healthy...
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
What to do, what to do...
A lawyer charged a man $500 for a given legal service. The client paid him in cash with five crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer was smelling the money when he discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100!
This posed an ethical dilemma for the lawyer:
Was he obligated to share the extra $100 with his partner?
Seven signs that you have nothing to do at work:
1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 1998
2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
7.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON:
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.