Have you got the time?
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor.
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Revenge of the Seed Spitters:
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful
thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare
the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the
field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign. It said:
"Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to
the one the farmer had made. The farmer shows up the next week
and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons
are missing but he notices the new sign next to his. He drives up
to the sign which read:
"Now there are two."
Physics Saves Lives:
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign, "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?" snapped the motorist.
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me," countered the driver.
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!" barked the offender.
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution," argued the driver.
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL!" interrupted the belligerent motorist. "What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
One day, a girl walked up to her mother, looked at her mother's hair and sadly asked, "Momma, why has some of your hair turned white?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then asked, "But Momma, why then is it that all of Grandma's hairs are white?"
How deep is it?
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Gates of Hell:
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, but you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine" said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"Oh- that was just the DEMO," replied God.