A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh NOooooo!" wailed the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!"
Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over one ton. To take care of this huge animal, Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks. The hog had terrible bad breath. It was necessary after feeding the beat to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab. On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas had spilled the deodorant tablets onto the ground. He became enraged and began beating the poor ape, and his brothers rioted. The police report detailed the event: SEVENTY-SIX STRONG CLONES FED THE PIG BERAID WITH A HUNDRED AND TEN CHORETS CLOSE AT HAND.
The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. I think I can help you, he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you. "This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who do you think that was?" she asked her husband who answered: "THAT WAS THE CLONE ARRANGER."
It was the best piece he had ever written. His masterpiece. The story of a classic chess match told from the point of view of the lest significant piece, the black queen's knight's pawn. So he was devastated to receive the letter of rejection from his publisher. You should have known better. It read: OUR FIRM WILL NEVER PUBLISH PAWNOGRAPHY.
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bag boy asks, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager replies, "I'm sorry, but: BAGGERS CAN'T BE JUICERS."
It was a warm Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted: "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK."
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike: "TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."
The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts. He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date. Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK.
So, this guy walks into a bar... ...A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." ...This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..." ...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..." ...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face... ...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street, curls himself up, re-enters the bar and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..." ...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!" ...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club... ...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..." ...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "That'll be $25." A minute later, making conversation, the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.." ...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer... ...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." ...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes... ...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..." ...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..." ...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" ...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..." ...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy... ...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said... ...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted... ...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..." ...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...' ...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals." ...A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "Nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "Beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over.,"Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."