Divorce After 54 Years:
Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the hoildays?"
Two blondes are walking through the woods and come upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Think Clean Thoughts!
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when he'd gotten it the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand- nothing. She tried with her left- nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out- still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried- with both hands and her mouth, too- but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we just couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
10 Things You Can Do With Your Old Computer: 1. Tear out the guts, cut a slit in top and use it for an interoffice suggestion box. 2. Use it as the largest desktop picture frame in your office. Put in lots of photos of your family and then place in on your desk in such a way as to keep the boss from seeing what you are really doing. 3. Use it as a false front for your home safebox. Put in your cash, jewelry and bonds. When thieves break into your house and see the computer is last year's model, they won't bother with it. 4. Use it as a paperweight during hurricane season. 5. Use it as a Pinata for adult parties. Stuff it with party favors and then take turns smashing it open with a sledge hammer. 6. Use it as a doorstop for those stupid self-locking restroom doors at Service Stations. 7. Tear out the guts, wear it on your head and go as Bill Gates to a Halloween party. 8. Inject it with every known computer virus known to man and send it to your worst enemy as a birthday present. 9. Stuff it with beer and ice and sneak it into football stadiums that make you buy your beer there at exorbitant prices. 10. Take it all apart and then glue it back together again in weird, bizarre ways. Sell it to a museum for ten thousand dollars as "pop art".
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
The Beatles Updated:Yesterday --------- Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. ==================================== Eleanor Rigby ------------- Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? ==================================== Unix Man -------- He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He's as wise as he can be Uses lex and yacc and C UNIX Man, can you help me At all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody. =================================== Write in C ("Let it Be") ------------------------ When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. ========================== Something --------- Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! Something in the way it coredumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted. Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go? I don't know, I don't know... What sequence causes it to blow? I don't know, I don't know... Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow!