A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master patiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
A Thoughtful Moment:
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdrafts.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against "tomorrow's deposit". You must live in the present on what is deposited for today. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask an Olympic Silver medalist.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
Remember: Time waits for no one!
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift... That's why it's called the present!!
COLIN POWELL VIRUS
Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS
You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS
Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own mother board.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has ever gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500!
Will the real doctor please stand up?
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?!?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said hot water."
A Run In With a Train:
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, suffering some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule
to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf. So,
when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing. Asked
how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time,"
he said, "when all the neighbors could here was me singing my liltimg
melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but:
my riled Irish whoa's!"
(From Chicken Soup for the Soul)
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our truck!"
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".