WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN: "I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works." "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I wondering which 2 teams are gonna make it to the play-offs." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women." "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands and I'm too lazy to look for it myself." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Please don't try on any more outfits... I'm starving!" "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."Immediate Loan:
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him the $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." the loan officer said.
The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world did you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce for 2 weeks, in Manhattan, and pay only $15.40?"
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?"
"And your father threatened me with jail if I didn't marry you?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight!"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys agreed.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright, in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Another exciting episode of:
"Stupid Criminals" - or - "The gene pool definitely needs chlorine."
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."
In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated,he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.
In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on the backs of his high-tech tennis shoes.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
How to tell which programming language you're using:
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
You send your foot down to NIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
You shoot yourself in the font.
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM. HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
Foot in yourself shoot.
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
You spend days writing a UlL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scroliwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
You'll shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all the bullets are for.
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.