The Lord's Prayer:A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Some Men/Women Differences:Women have more imagination than men do. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's complaining. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; for a man, it's the woman he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: - before marriage after marriage. Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. A married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing. Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. If women knew what men were thinking, they'd never stop slapping them. Men are like animals- they make great pets. Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:Name: ______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ____________ Attorney: __________________ Sex: male ____ female ____ formerly male ____ formerly female ____ both ____ If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___ Occupation: [ ] Lawyer [ ] Actor/Waiter [ ] Film-maker/Self-employed [ ] Writer/Waiter [ ] Car Dealer [ ] Pan-handler [ ] Agent [ ] Hooker/Transvestite [ ] Other; please explain: ______________ Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car:______ Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex:_______ Please list: Brand of cell phone: __________. If you don't own a cell phone, please explain: ______________________________________________ Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs _______ Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating a wrap [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times... a) you expect to shoot at other drivers:_____. b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving:_____. If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime; b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase; c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; d) Call your therapist; e) None of the above Please indicate what you drive: a) Beamer, b) Lexus, c) Mercedes d) Cabriolet. (If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.) In the event of an earthquake, should you... a) stop your car, b) keep driving and hope for the best, c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4? In the instance of rain, you should... a) never drive over 5 MPH, b) drive twice as fast as usual, or c) you're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:____. Which of the following medications are you currently taking? a) Prozac; b) Zovirax; c) Lithium; d) Zantax. If none, please explain: _______________________________. Length of daily commute: a) 1 hour; b) 2 hours; c) 3 hours; d) 4 hours or more. When stopped by police, should you... a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
Since the former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, did that make their children Tsardines?