The Check Is In The Mail!?!Husband to wife: "I feel like an infielder for the Orioles baseball team, trying to catch your checks before they bounce." - - - - - Husband: "Your last check just came back" Wife: "Oh good ! What can we buy with it now ?" - - - - - Wife to husband: "The way you argue about money, 'budget' is just another name for a quarrel." - - - - - Wife to husband: "At least we don't have to worry about keeping up with the Jonses, they passed us many years ago." - - - - - Husband to wife: "I've finally figured out what's wrong with our budget. There's too much month left at the end of the money." - - - - - Wife to husband: "The way we abuse the budget, we should be allowed to use handicapped parking."
You Might Be From a Small Town If:1. You can name everyone you graduated with 2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home 3. You know what 4-H is 4. You ever went to "headlight parties" 5. You used to drag "main" 6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour 7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't 8. You ever went cow-tipping 9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties 10. You have parties at the same guy's house 12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events 13. The town social events are their children's 14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow) 15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them 16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut 17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade 18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming 19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself 20. No place sells gas on Sunday 21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10) 22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks 23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town 24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date 25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog 26. You had senior skip day 27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation 28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street 30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)
Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:" 10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper. 9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees. 8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay. 7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu. 6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock. 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship. 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour. 3. Installed a new bifocal windshield. 2. Space pants now go up to armpits. 1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
25 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis:1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.