Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day lollipop until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
-Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.
-Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
-Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
-Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
-Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
-Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
-Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
-It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
-Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
-There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
-A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
-Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
-There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
-Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
-They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it's self-defense.
-When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
...At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers.
...You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation.
...Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition pyramid.
...You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together.
...You prefer to be thought of as an "artist who works in the medium of ASCII."
...Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium crystals routinely lead to fistfights.
...You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: McCoy, Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty.
...You know how to say, "I can't go swimming -- I ate less than 2 hours ago."... in 5 languages.
One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a contractor make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the contractor. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the contractor in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the contractor found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow contractors that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke (kind-of-cute) and she had a great time telling bawdy jokes and dancing. The contractor was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the contractor spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The contractor paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the contractor went down-down-down back to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the contractor, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a contractor, but today you're a permanent."