Tales From The Office:
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
How do you know?Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
Internet Euphemisms for Death:
(c) 1998 by Chris White Clicked the bucket www.he's-dead,-jim.com Invested in Pointcast Visiting the Chat Tomb Opened "GOOD TIMES!" Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post 404ever, Pulse Not Found Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play www.MyFirstCoronary.com Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project It Doesn't Matter Whether You've Got Mail
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Fairy Tales:A little girl had just listened to her mother reading one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...?"" "No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with, "Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonite . . . ""
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
How to drive WOMEN crazy!!!1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it. 2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject. 3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position. 4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones. 5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California. 6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it. 7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her. 8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day. 9. Never give her a straight answer. 10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot. 11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!) 12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery. 13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English. 14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
Bigot On The Loose:A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied: "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices have joined in, raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant. Up they jump and begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"
I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.14159, and I've noticed that whenever I'm running WordWanker Version 184.108.40.206 (which I upgraded from 220.127.116.11) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version 18.104.22.168.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but then if I try to type the passive pluperfect subjunctive form of the verb "procreate" (or any of its slang equivalents) the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!!!
I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then n Command Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate Paradigms, then on the little icon labeled "Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon", then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type in 2038, you will still have the same problem.
This is why my doctor tripled my Prozac dosage.
Bumperstickers:Give me a quarter or I'll touch you. Wife and dog missing... reward for dog. Give blood... Play hockey. 5 out of 4 people are schizophrenic. I break four liberals whenever possible. Pass on the right - driver chews. If you dont like my bumper stickers, vote liberal and have them outlawed! Property of Area 51.
Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos:Yu-go (you-go) n. 1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile. 2) 4x4 hood ornament. adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.) A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat. What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris? - A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds. - A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds. Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge... Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo? A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap. 2) Push off cliff. 3) Drive brand new one underneath radiator cap. (30-mile/3-day warranty included!) A man entered an auto parts store... Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo." Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade." I once bought a Yugo with a tow package... in the front. Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster? A. To keep your hands warm as you push it. "The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night... The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting." Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual? A. The bus schedule. From the Yugo owner's manual: If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly: 1) Place head between legs 2) Lock hands behind head 3) Repeat: "Our Father, who art in heaven..." Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing ...real fast! Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep." Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill? A. A miracle! Q. What's the most wasteful way to spend money? A. Buy a car alarm for a Yugo.