"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. "Idiots Law" You always find something in the last place you look. "Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. "Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. "Law of Drunkedness" You can't fall off the floor. "Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists. "Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't. "Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Thoughts On Marriage (by Henny Youngman):A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?" I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree! She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!" I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." A friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "The wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
Only in America:Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy and asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he assured the driver.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid another vehicle and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them, instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming at him to stop shooting.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you're not allowed to bait them!"
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE:Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. Always drink upstream from the herd. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up.