REMEMBER WHEN....

  A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV
  FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW
  A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN....
  AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT.....

  MEG WAS THE NAME OF YOUR BEST FRIEND'S GIRL
  AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT
  NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS
  AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES

  AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
  A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
  A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
  A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO

  MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
  A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
  AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY
  YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT

  COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE
  NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE
  AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC
  YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE

  LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
  HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
  A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED
  AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE

  CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
  PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
  A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
  AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU

  I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER
  AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
  I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH
  BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD

  -author unknown



A married woman was having an affair.  Whenever her lover
came over, she put her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman heard a car in the driveway and put her
lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here,
isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?"  the little boy asks.
"No, thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position
he's in.
"$25." the little boy replies.
"$25?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when
she hears a car and, again, places her lover in the closet with
her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes, it is," replies teh man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK.  How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
"$50." the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them." replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting
to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"$75." the little boy says.
"$75?!" That's thievery!  I'm taking you to the church
right now.  You must confess your sin and ask forgiveness",
the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional,
draws the curtain, sits down and says, "It's dark in here,
isn't it?"
"Don't start that stuff in here, kid!" the priest says.



TOP 12 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT
(If it had been written by college students)

  12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.

  11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

  10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced,
      and written in a very large font.

  9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

  8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't
     dorm food.

  7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes
     Paul's E-Mail to the Romans: abuse@romans.gov

  6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

  5. The place where the end of the world occurs:
     Finals, not Armageddon.

  4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

  3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
     They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

  2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

  1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting
     on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night
     before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.



A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it
off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted
to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be
only one station.
She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly
explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace
it since she could only get one station. The salesman calmed her
down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated,
and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music
that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the
word "country", and the radio changed to a station playing a
George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After
a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll";
the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones
came from the speakers.

Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from
her house another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her
brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed  "Jerk!"

...the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.



There were two priests driving along a country road, on
their way to give the Last Rights. Suddenly a rabbit ran
across the road right in front of them. The driver priest
slammed on the brakes, but ended up hitting the rabbit. 

The passenger priest jumped out, ran around the front of
the car and declared that the rabbit had been killed. The
passenger priest was so distraught that the driver priest
got out to comfort him.

The passenger priest lamented so about the death of one of
God's creatures that the driver priest decided to bless the
rabbit with Holy Water. He took a small bottle of Holy Water
out of his pocket and doused the flattened bunny with it. 

After a few moments, to the astonishment of both priests, the
rabbit twitched, jumped up, turned around to face the priests,
waved at them and took off for the bushes-stopping to turn and
wave at the priests every few feet. 

The passenger priest said " Father, what was that you blessed
the rabbit with?!" 

The driver priest, thinking he'd used Holy Water was about to
answer when he looked at the bottle he was holding. He then
responded to his companion,
"It's hair restorer with a permanent wave." 



(Good thing this took place in HIS time and NOT ours!)

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:  "In six months I'm going
to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water
and all the evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a
few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the
planet, so I'm ordering you to build Me an Ark."  And in a flash
of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK", said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord.  "You'd
better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very
long time."

And six months passed.  The skies began to cloud up and rain
began to fall.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his
front yard, weeping.  And there was no Ark.

"Noah", shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"  A lightning
bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.  "I did my best.
But there were big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code.  So, I had to hire an
engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight
over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the City Planning Commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood
to SAVE the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had
to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.  Now we have 16
carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.  Then I started 
gathering up animals, and got sued by the animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I
got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.  Right now I'm still
trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS
has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the
state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another
five years." Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow
arched across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean
You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."