Politically Correct Alphabet:
A is an activist itching to fight.

B is a beast with its animal rights.

C was a cripple (now differently abled).

D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled."

E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.

F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.

G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered."

H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.

I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).

J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!

K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.

L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.

M is a Mindset with bias galore.

N was a Negro, but not anymore.

O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.

P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).

Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.

R is the Reasoning done by a mob.

S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.

T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.

U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.

V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.

W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.

X is a chromosome we share in our cells.

Y is a Yogi for the easily led.

Z is a Zombie, the differently dead.



Something To Think About:

1.  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.
 
2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3.  I doubt, therefore I might be.

4.  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be
    able to say it.

5.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in 
    large groups.

6.  The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7.  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

8. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  
    Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and 
    drink beer all day.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
    hungry?

12. If work is so terrific, how come they have 
    to pay you to do it? 

13. If all the world is a stage, where is the 
    audience sitting?



Understanding Medical Terminology:

"This should be taken care of right away."

(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)


"Let me check your medical history."

(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore
time with you.)


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.)
---or--
(I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)


"We have some good news and some bad news."

(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.)


"Let's see how it develops."

(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)


"Let me schedule you for some tests."

(I have a forty percent interest in the lab.)


"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)


"I'd like to prescribe this new drug."

(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.)


"This may smart a little."

(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)


"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)


"This should fix you up."

(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)


"Everything seems to be normal."

(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)


"I'd like to run some more tests."

(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.)


"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your
nerves?"

(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only 
ind a shrink who'll split the fees with me ...)



Top 10 Signs You're Dating a Control Freak:
  

10) Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers the
    pieces as well.
 
 9) After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes
    you do it again the *right* way.  
  
 8) He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through
    Central Park -- provided they let him drive.  
  
 7) Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at
    11:30 pm Monday night.  
  
 6) He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should 
    Just Do What I Say."
  
 5) "You idiot!  That's not how you send a submission to the 
    Top 5 list!  Here, give me that keyboard."  
  
 4) If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct 
    one into your neck.  
  
 3) Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if 
    you weren't "doing it all wrong."  
  
 2) His TV remote has a PIN number.  
  
....and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...  
  
 1) She keeps telling you that even though you're just a
    humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her,
    you'll be President someday.  



Learnig English:

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives
how to farm and build things, in order to be self-sufficient,
gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was
how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking
in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This
is a tree."  

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary
was pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock
and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.  As he peeks
over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy
romantic activity. The missionary is really flustered and
quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun
and kills them.  The padre goes ballistic and yells at the
chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and kind to each  other, so how could he just kill
these people in cold blood that way? 

The chief replied, "My bike."



Thoughts for the Day:

Clones are people two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!

My other wife is beautiful.



GM vs MS:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated:

"If GM kept up with technology like the computer industry,
we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to
the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a
press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

 1.   For no reason whatsoever your car would crash
      twice a day.

 2.   Every time they repainted the lines on the road
      you would have to buy a new car.

 3.   Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
      no reason and  you would just accept this, restart,
      and drive on.

 4.   Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
      turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse
      to restart, in which case you would have to
      reinstall the engine.

 5.   Only one person at a time could use the car, unless
      you bought "Car 95" or "Car NT."  But then you would
      have to buy more seats.

 6.   Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
      sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy
      to drive, but it would only run on five percent of
      the roads.

 7.   The oil, water, temperature, and alternator warning
      lights would be replaced by a single "general car
      default" warning light.

 8.   Car seats would force everyone to have the same
      size butt.

 9.   The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before
      going off.

 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
     would lock you out and refuse to let you in until
     you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
     the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
     deluxe set of  Rand McNally road maps (now a GM
     subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
     want them. Attempting to delete this option would
     immediately cause the car's performance to diminish
     by 50% or more. Moreover, GM  would become a target 
     for investigation by the Justice Department.

 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would
     have to learn how to drive all over again because none
     of the controls would operate in the same manner as an
     old car.

 13. You'd press the start button to shut off the engine."