I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, or lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
In a few minutes, however, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a LOT of help!
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone 'Madge'.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that!"
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
THE QUESTION:Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Intimacy is fine until late In the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
~*~Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" ~*~Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ~*~I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ~*~Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" ~*~'...I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"...' ~*~Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to: "The Internet." ~*~Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ~*~Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate 'Windows' -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click] ~*~Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Great truths about life brought to us by children:- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. - When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. - Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. - You can't trust dogs to watch your food. - Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. - Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. - Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - School lunches stick to the wall. - You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
The White Gorilla:A man read in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. When, at last, he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes. It's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage. After much arguing, the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does, the zoo manager tells the man that whatever he does, he must not, under any circumstances, touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage. He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed. The gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla. Just as his hand makes contact, the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just ahead of the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door shut just in time. The gorilla pulls at the door and, to the man's horror, the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely ride home. As they pull into the station, he's looking out the window when he sees a small shape trailing behind the train. He can't quite make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla! The train stops, the man leaps off and rushes he to his car. As he drives off he looks into his rearview mirror and sees the gorilla climbing over the train yard fence. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in, locking the door behind him. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe, pulling the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man. He's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally, he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man, reaches out a massive hand, smiles and gently touches the man and says: "Tag, you're it!"