The Educated Parrot:This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper. "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires. "I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.
Why So Lonely?Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
Extreme Bumper Stickers:- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learners permit. - Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! - Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? - 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. - EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later. - If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. - White water is over when the First Lady sings. - My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that. - Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! - Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. - Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.
How Much Do You Expect To Make?Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Harvard or Equivalent:A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "Young Harvard graduate or the equivalent." Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, "Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?"
The Rules of Combat:1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 4. The easy way is always mined. 5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them. 8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 9a. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. 10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend. 14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 15. When in doubt empty the magazine. 16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 17. Anything you do can get you shot. This includes doing nothing. 18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. 23. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Activities Guide To Burning Calories at Home/ Work...Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces. . . . . . . . . 350 Counting chickens before they hatch. . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Procastinating . . . . . . . . . . . . ???
and the number of calories they consume per hour:
The Two-Digit Date:(Read and/or sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island,"... more or less!) Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date. Two digits for a date. Main memory was smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too. "Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So let's get by with two." "This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless we rewrite before that It all will go away. It all will go away." But Management had not a clue: "It works fine now, you bet! A rewrite is a straight expense; We won't do it just yet. We won't do it just yet." Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to @#%&, For zero's less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell. The mail won't bring your pension check It won't be sent to you When you're no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two. But minus thirty-two. The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The only certain cure. [key change, big finish] There's not much time, There's too much code. (And Cobol-coders, few) When the century is finished with, We may be finished, too. We may be finished, too. Eight thousand years from now I hope That things weren't left too late, And people aren't then lamenting Four digits for a date. Four digits for a date.