Footnote: If you should ever catch me having an affair of any kind, remember it doesn't necessarily mean that I no longer care for you. I will still probably want to share a bed with you.
My Best Buddy:A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy." Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?" The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink all that... and then some." the man retorted. So the bartender pours the 2 shots and, sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do... can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!", he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, and you called that native witch doctor a quack!"
Two TV aerials met on a rooftop, fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was awful, but... ...the reception was excellent.
One Liners:Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive. It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. The buck doesn't even slow down here! Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book. We do precision guesswork. My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men. A penny saved is a government oversight. Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Being A CEO:A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large, high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Genesis 1:In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and He got down to work; for verily, He had a Big Job to do. And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus-erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made He; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day. And God saw that He had made many wondrous things, but that He had not wherein to put it all. And God said, 'Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth... but not too deep.' And God buried all the Things which He had made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday. And God said, 'Let there be water; and let the dry land appear' ... and that was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called He the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put He put crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put He thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called He Resources; and He made them Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land, called He resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which He called Wednesday. And God said, 'Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.' And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, 'Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.' And God looked upon all the species He hath made, and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and He said unto them, 'Let each species compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law.' And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast He them about the land and the sea. And He took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast He them about likewise. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of the species. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that He had put in another good day's work. And God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall and well-formed and nearly hairless; and let us also make monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy.' And God added, 'Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise.' So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and hairless created He him... and nothing at all like the monkey. And God said to the man, 'Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be meat for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.' And God saw everything He had made, and He saw that it was very good; and God said, 'It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years.' And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, 'Thank Me it's Friday.' And God made the weekend.
There once lived a Polynesian King who moved into a new palace only to discover that his enormous, ancestrial, throne whould not fit in any of the rooms on the main floor. His wife told him he would just have to stow the bulky piece of furniture in the attic. A few days later the King was found crushed to death! The moral of this story: PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T STOW THRONES.