Jokes! Jokes! and More Jokes!
A Few Thoughts About Men:
Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to
A. At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Q. What food best describes most men?
Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the
phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these
A. Women working at 900 numbers.
Q. How is a man like a used car?
A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man
who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.
Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift
A. Exchange him.
Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a
disappointment for many men?
A. No phone numbers.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
She was so blond that. . .
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to
make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told someone to meet her at the corner of:
"WALK" and "DONT WALK."
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here", she wrote, "Sagittarius."
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
Having A Bad Day:
A little guy is sitting in this bar, for over half an hour, just looking at his drink. A big, trouble-making, truck driver steps up next to him, takes his drink away, and chugs it down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand seeing a grown man cry."
"No, it's not that." the little man sobbed. "It's just today was the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outraged, fired me. When I left the building I found my car had been stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I had to take a cab home. After I paid the cab driver he'd pulled away, I discovered that I'd left my wallet in his cab. When I walked into my house I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. Then, when I'd finaly gotten up the nerve to end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"
More Bumper Stickers:
A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives
The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out
Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen
and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives
My next house will have no kitchen- just vending machines.
A Pig Story:
Bill Clinton is being driven along a country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David when, all of a sudden, a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages.
When they arrive at the farm house, Clinton sends the driver in to tell the farmer and his wife about the accident.
Nearly 2 hours later the driver returns, his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag under one arm, and a huge smile on his face.
Bill asks what happened.
The driver tells him, "After I'd told them what happened they made me a nice steak dinner. Then they introduced me to their 24 year old daughter, who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant. They left us alone, upstairs, for an hour. When I came back down the mother handed me this bag of cookies."
Bill asks, "What in the world had you said?"
The driver replied, "Just the truth, Sir. I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver and that I'd just run over the pig."
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in
the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do
fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking
you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Course not... you don't ask questions, you
never learn nothin'."
The Difference Between Cats and Dogs:
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a god!
CAT MIRACLE DIET
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people.
For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is
the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat
Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just
follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look
and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con-
stitutes food. Good Luck!
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as
long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your
plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock
the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before
stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on
the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat
one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's
plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the
refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of
it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining
gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock
it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part
of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house.
Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or
beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to
the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug.
Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's
cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the
closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on
top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone
else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a
bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl
over on the floor.
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of
legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water.
Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag
the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a
flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry
and get hard.