How far can you go?
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might
be made an Arch Bishop." said the Priest.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could be
elected Pope, but..."
"And could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up
from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"
The Rabbi leaned back, smiled, and said, "One of OUR boys made it!"
Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss
said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill
it with cement; then toss him in the East River. And, oh
yeah... make it look like an accident."
At a Wedding:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, trying to keep it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
A Real Bicyclist!
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix
to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out. After about 3 hours, he finaly got picked up
by a guy in a Corvette. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
After a brief search, the owner of the Corvette located a piece of
rope, lying by the highway, and used it to tie the bike to his bumper.
He then told the man to honk the horn on his bike, if he felt they
were going too fast, and he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the
bike took off after the other one. A short distance down the road,
the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed
ahead to another officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over
120 mph. He then relayed, "And your not going to believe this...
but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols,
what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"How about the opposite of woe, Mr. Smith?"
"I believe that would be giddy up, sir."
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so
that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I
thought you should know what has been going on at home since your
computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing
well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has
developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait
for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your
head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you
did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She
still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her
birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was
stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure
that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I
have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away,
she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals
to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer
will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will
think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Cakes and Ale:
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge
University. It seems that during an examination, one day, a bright
young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes
and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require
that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and
still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which
read (roughly translated):
"Gentlemen taking examinations may request and require Cakes
and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent,
and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not
wearing a sword to the examination.
Actual Accident Summaries:
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms
where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident
in the fewest words possible:
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my
head through it.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my
vision, and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in
a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was
unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting
the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my
hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the curb when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to
swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
More Bumper Stickers:
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working
with sub-atomic particles."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."