A Heavenly Program:Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders: JESUS SAVES!
The Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker:10: You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000. 9: He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running. 8: When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7: Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6: Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 5: Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net". 4: Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. 3: His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. 2: For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President". 1: You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I- Don't-Give- A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Bumper Stickers:Your kid may be a honer student but your still stupid Learn from your parents mistakes use birth control He who laughs last thinks the slowest Lottery-a tax on people who are bad at math Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorthy I get enough exercise just pushing my luck Jack Kevorkian for white house physician Montana- at least our cows are sane. Reality is a cruth for people who can't handle drugs Where there is a will I want to be in it I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it. Hardwork has a future pay off laziness pays off now Time is the best teacher, unfortunatly it kills all of its students Some people are only alve because it is illegal to kill A bartender is a phrmascist with a limited inventory We are born wet, naked and hungry then things get worse Always remember you unique just like everybody else Very funny scotty now beam down my cloths Consciousness-the annoying time between naps Be nice to your kids they choos your nursing home There are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who can't Why is abbrevation such a long word? Keep honking...I'm reloading
Animal Crackers:The Wildebeests Once upon a time, there lived in an African forest, two families off amiable, hardworking wildebeests, who often enjoyed picnicking together. However, each family had one young mischief-maker, though each mother was convinced that her own little child was innocent and that the other was the trouble maker. "You should punish that rascally brat of yours," shrilled one of the mothers finally. "A sound spanking might do him some good." "Spank my son, indeed," huffed the other. "Why don't you: GO PADDLE YOUR OWN GNU?" The Baby Gull The young gull was an only child. He was well behaved and a delight to his mother. The mother said to her infant. "As you have been so good, would you like a brother" The small bird replied, .... "Oh Yes: ONE GOOD TERN DESERVES ANOTHER." Elephant Memory An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant: "TURTLE RECALL". South Africa The zebra is a fitting national animal for South Africa They both have: OP-ART HIDE. The Crane The trustees of the Madrid Zoo heard that there were only 30 whooping cranes left in the world and decided they must have one before the breed became extinct. The only zoo that had more than two pair and was willing to let one go was the San Diego Zoo in the United States. Arrangements were made to trade the cranes for a species of Wildebeest that the San Diego Zoo did not have. The birds were dispatched via air freight. However, when they arrived at the Madrid Airport, it was very cold and the birds refused to disembark. It was reported to the zoo director, that: THE CRANES IN SPAIN STAY MAINLY IN THE PLANE.
Rudolph's Surgery:Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the re constructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as: NEW EARS DAY.
Some thoughts to ponder:Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? (My personal favorite!) Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.