The solution is...A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He began seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. He finaly goes to his Priest to seek advice. He tells the Priest about all of his problems in the business and asks the Priest what he should do. The Priest says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Priest. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Priest a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."
What Does It Add Up To?A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting at a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "If another person enters the house, it will be empty again!"
You are addicted to on-line if:...Your service provider calls *you* for tech support ...Someone at school/work tells you a joke and you say "LOL!" ...Three words: carpal tunnel syndrome ...You come home from somewhere and wait for your friends to say "re." ...You get a second phone line, just so you can call Domino's. ...You raise your hand in school and say "BRB" ...You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing. ...You know and regularly use more than 10 different ways to smile in ascii text. :) ...When someone says "What did you say?", you automatically say "scoll up!" ...You marry your cybergirl/boyfriend and the two of you sit across the room typing love messages to each other.
College FootballThe huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
IRS HUMORA way to screw with the heads of the people that roam the night... Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty forms. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a paper grocery sack. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. :=) If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. (These methods are only recommended when you OWE money.)
Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents that would support a new antitrust case. Man, I hope the federal government wins. I like to root for the little guy.
Talking FrogA man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving compnion for an entire week!!" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want!" Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said: "Look, I'm an internet consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"