There was once a small kingdom, nestled in the middle of a tiny island, inhabited by a diminutive, fun-loving, race of beings known as 'trigs'. Every morning the trigs would go down to their favorite stretch of beach to dance and frollic along the shore. One day the peaceful world of the trigs was shattered by the appearance of a giant who stomped upon their beach and began kicking the trigs over! Justifiably terrified, the trigs fled the beach. The next morning the trigs, once again, journey down to the shore, hoping that the incident with the giant had been an isolated one. Unfortunately, for the trigs, the giant returned and again kicked over all the little trigs. This time the trigs fled to their religious leader to seek council. After hearing their tale, the holy man agreed to accompany the trigs the following day in the hopes that he could talk with the giant and persuade him to leave the trigs alone. Soon after the trigs gathered on the beach the giant came stomping up and, once again, proceeded to kick the all the trigs over, except the holy man. "Why didn't you kick me over as well?" he asked the giant, who responded: "SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TRIGS!"
A group of California scientists discovered a way to keep porpoises alive forever. They fed them a special mixture made, primarily, of ground-up seagull. Soon the California scientists found themselves running out of seagulls, so they went in search of a fresh supply. A deal was struck with the neighboring state of Utah and a truck was sent out to pick up a shipment of birds. But the truck never made it back to California with it's delivery of seagulls. Just as it was about to cross over the state line, the driver was pulled over and arrested. The charge: ILLEGAL TRANSPORTATION OF GULLS, ACCROSS STATE LINES, FOR IMMORTAL PORPOISES.
Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" ----------==========**********O**********==========--------- Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued. First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. "What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'" ----------==========**********O**********==========--------- These three guys stranded on a desert island. They'd been there a long time, as they had plenty of food and water, but no way off. One day a big box drifted up to the shore. They excitedly opened the box, only to find a bunch of trash and old rags. At the bottom, though, they found a magic lantern. Remembering the story of Alladin, they rubbed the lamp furiously, and lo and behold a genie popped out. The genie was very glad to be out of the lamp and agreed to grant each of the guys any wish he may desire. The first guy said, "You know, I was rich and powerful back at home. I had a multi-million dollar corporation, fast cars, faster women. I jet-setted all over the world, eating fine food, drinking fine wine, seeing the world's wonders. My wish is to return to the life I had." POOF!! He disappeared. The second guy said, "Well, I didn't have what that guy has. I just had a job down at the local gas station. But I have a beautiful wife, three beautiful and wonderful children - a really nice and fulfilling life. My only wish is return to my home." POOF!! He also disappeared. Now it was the third guy's turn, "Gosh, I didn't have a life at all like either of those two. I'm not rich. I'm not powerful. I'm not married. I'm not anyone's dad. I didn't even have a job or a girlfriend. My life was pathetic. The happiest days of my life were spent right here on this island. You know, my wish is for my two buddies to come back." ----------==========**********O**********==========---------
The Official List of Oxymorons:Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Safe sex Airline food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Microsoft Works Soft rock Butt head Military intelligence Software documentation California culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Temporary tax increase Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Religious tolerance
Mottos To Live By:* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest, and proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts... On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Things to think about:1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? 7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. 8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once. 9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. 10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. 13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life: Never tell everything you know. 15) Do unto others, then run.....................