Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report): * Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. * Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. * A room temperature IQ. * Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. * A prime candidate for natural deselection. * Bright as Alaska in December. * Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. * So dense, light bends around him. * If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. * If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. * Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. * Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. * I would not breed from this officer. * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. * This young lady has delusions of adequacy. * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. * He has the wisdom of youth, and energy of old age. * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters. They were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 7. It's best for employers that I not work with people. 8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. 21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job. 22. Marital status: often. Children: various. 23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 25. Finished eighth in my class of ten. 26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
My hometown was so small...* the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill * long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy * the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight * in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened * instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols * you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter * during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter * the local Motel 6 sleeps six * during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner * the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages * the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper * we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up * the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik * before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home * there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns ----------==========**********O**********==========--------- Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00". Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That should be obvious!" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture."
Been there ... done that ...!!!A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn't have any, began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry--only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. Whereupon the mother said, "I'm Monica.......my little girl's name is Tammy."
Good Catch!A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" To which the woman replied: "Only those who catch me eye."
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 18. Take two aspirins and lie down.