Things to think about:1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? 7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. 8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once. 9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. 13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know. 15) Do unto others, then run.....................
The Ten Commandments of E-mail:Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Mammogram Testing:Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam, and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home: Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. Exercise #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable up-right position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle, for good measure. Exercise #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature of the floor is just perfect. Take off all of your warm clothes and lay uncomfortablely on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side. Congratulations! Now you are properly prepared for your next mammogram.
The Wisdom of Steven Wright:I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I invented the cordless extension cord. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Today I...........No, that wasn't me. Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing. Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in... I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again... Everywhere is in walking distance if you have the time. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.' I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I like to paint passing lines on curved roads. I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes... I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add. The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards. Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it... I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
A Bible Lesson:Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Aliterated Prodigal Son:The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farm-lot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors . . ." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. But the fugitive's fault finding frater , faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."
Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor, quoted in More Holy Humor, Cal and Rose Samra, Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2, modified by Robert Woodman. Feel free to publish this but leave the copyright information in place.