A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour You every day, I ask Your advice for every problem and confess to You my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in You and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
My fiance thinks she's so smart. She's always poking fun at how truly absent minded I am. The other day, I left for an appointment and she said, "Ok now hon. Are you SURE you've forgotten EVERYTHING?"
Once there were two star football players that had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests. The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "How do you know?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that didn't prove anything. So, the teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."
That Old Time ReligionIn the middle of a forest, a hunter was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally he turned and ran as fast as he could. He ran and ran and eventually wound up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were fading fast. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in at a rapid pace, he fell to his knees and prayed, "Dear God, PLEASE give this bear some religion!" The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear come to an abrupt stop, and glanced around somewhat confused. Suddenly the bear looked up in to the sky and said, "Thank you God, for this food I am about to receive."
Just a line to say I'm livingJust a line to say I'm living That I'm not among the dead Though I'm getting more forgetful And all mixed up in my head. I got used to my Arthritis To my dentures I'm resigned I can manage my Bifocals But dear God I miss my mind For sometimes I can't remember When I stand at the foot of the stairs If I must go up for something Or have I just come down from there? And before the fridge so often My poor mind is filled with doubt Have I just put some food away? Or have I come to take something out? And there's a time, when it is dark I stop and hold my head I don't know if I'm retiring Or am I getting out of bed? So, If it is my turn to write to you There's no need getting sore I may think that I have written And don't want to be a bore So remember that I love you And wish that you were near But now it's nearly mail time, So must say "goodbye dear" Here I stand before the mail box With a face so very red Instead of mailing you my letter I went and opened it instead.
Dear Mr Secretary, Secretary of Agriculture Washington DC Dear Mr Secretary, My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of arm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your check for not raising any. If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs "not raised" which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now, another thing: These hogs I will "not raise" will also "not eat" ten thousand bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising the wheat and for not feeding it to the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time year to not raise hogs or grain. Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business so please send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food stamps. Patriotically Yours, M. D. Hartt
Sizing it all up.A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies, with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
May I Help?A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
What a terrible tragedy.A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"