REST IN PEACE:A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: "Congratulations on your new location."
REDNECK BUD BUDDIES:Two rednecks, Bubba and Cletus, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish A-drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Cletus. When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Cletus. "We're on the patch."
KEEPING THE PIECE A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
POLITICAL HUMOR: One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?" A joke heard around the Pentagon lately goes like this: One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," hey would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
WOMAN : A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: Woman SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs, known to vary from 100 to 500 lbs OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered with a painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states ranging from virgin metals to common ore. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious metals. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: Highly ornamental, especially in expensive cars or sports cars. TESTS: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one.
(This is a cute one!)A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she did not let on. When she finally finished it, she noticed that there were three little green Army men toys in her cup. She said to her grandson, "Honey, what are the Army men doing in my coffee?" He replied, "Grandma, it says on TV---- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
Today's Little Axioms1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film in their cameras. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 10.Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't. 11.I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 12.He's not dead, he's lectroencephalographically challenged. 13.She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. 14.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 15.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 16.Honk if you love peace and quiet. 17.Pardon my driving, I am reloading. 18.Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 19.Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
What Humans can learn from Dogs...1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. 2. Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. 5. Let others know when they have invaded your territory. 6. Take naps and stretch before rising. 7. Run, romp, and play daily. 8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. 9. Be loyal. 10. Never pretend to be something you're not. 11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently. 13. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 14. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 15. On hot days drink lots of water or be under a shady tree. 16. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 17. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. And finally... 18. No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.
10 words that don't exist, but should:1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Jesus is WatchingLate one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , helooked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."